*

nothing lasts
people don't last
i should have known
long ago
my mama
should have
let me go
left me alone
when i was
two
just left
"alone
in that
bucket
of hot tar
to melt away

coz i got
into everything
inquisitive
wanted to
know life
was a life child
a love child
a lover
of all
that God
gave life
that was good
and lovely
and alive
and beautiful
and i didn't
and still
cannot understand
the process
of destruction
only
the
process
of self
destruction
due to
the destruction
of my life
by other's
so i figure
i may as
well do it first
and fast
before
they get
the first
and last laugh

so it began,
the tulips
mothers
she,
the the only
one consistent
in my life
despite
all her
many depressions
that even
those were
consistent
with her
and we
came to
groove
with those
as well
she was
the only
one in the
family consistent
with her love
then she left
and that was
all
the end
of all

and i should
have know
back then
with the bird
the baby birds
the newborn
birds
falling out
of the trees
their mouths
gaping wide
with a hunger
it made me cry
with an angry
anguish
and a
misunderstanding
of life

so one time
i found it,
the blue speckled
robin's egg
it lay there,
under the giant tree
the same giant tree,
we had a tire on
that we swang
on

i found it
laying there,
the blue speckled robin's egg,
and my one brother
said, "don't touch it!"
he told me
if i touched it
the mother would
never touch the egg
again
but my older
brother grabbed it
and promised me
he would nurture it
and protect it
and that he would
make sure
it would hatch
because it was
on the ground
and it would never
be found by the mother
and i was only three
and he,
i trusted
with my soul
and we took
the robin's egg
into the garage
and built
a nest
and we found
a light
and we put
the egg in the nest
and we put the light
on it
and we
were all
hush hush
so our father
would not find out,
this, the same brother
who had a pet pigeon once
who cried when it died,
so, we waited
and waited
and every day
we checked
and checked,
first morning
sunup,
we'd run
out and check,

and the tulips
the bright red tulips
of mother's grew
and were red
as my mother's young lips
and we waited
and we waited
on the egg
to hatch
and i'd look
at my brother
with my big
giant sad green
eyes,
hoping,
for hope,
and finally
one morning,
my brother
looked at me
his eyes
teared up,
lips shaking
coz he thought
he was letting me down,
for the first time
in my life,
and told me,
big tears
in his eyes,
and i knew,
then,
i knew,
life,
was about
to be
un life,
not the life
i would ever
know
again ever,
and it never
has been,
it ended at age three
for me

he says,
"lisa,
nothing is going
to happen,"
nothing is going
to happen

nothing ever happens
nothing ever happens
anymore
it's all an illusion
a lie
everything is
an ugly lie
but God's beauty
that i see in the
flowers the trees
the animals and my child

the people
i could live without
and be fine,
oh so fine
they are not my kind
and i not of this world
i am a tar bucket baby
i am an ultra sensitive child
still at heart
a child at large
who hates
her birth name
which is why
purplefly
died when the
baby's father did
coz he named me that
and i shouldn't have
carried it on
like i did
it was wrong
it didn't fit
purple fly died with cristian

so i've hated
my birth name
because it's
so pathetically
bimbo deathlike
unpoetic
so meant
to be dead
early
it disgusts me
and how i wish
my fahter
had let me
mother name
me Ginger
after Ginger Rogers
anything,
anything,
but lisa
such a common
household item
under the sink
name,
it sickens me
to write it,
so i took
my mother's maiden last name
and mingled with my first name
a bit
and i am
who i am
now,
no games
no funny
farm jokes
no stupid show reviews
just me
and my truths
no egotistic
bombastic
blonde bombshell
bullshit

just lizzie
and a lifetime
of hell
with the eggwomman
carrying her basket
full of old dead dreams