*

I know now
what i did
not heed before,
a twist in the
knot of my rope
of courage that
once squeezed
the bloode
from my
heart now,
is wrapped
loose,
like the
noose,
around my
neck,
and i asked
him,
i asked him,
i asked God,
again,
for what sin,
Now?
for what sin
Now?
must i be
dealt with
such complete
whipped in
the face
like a horse
running it's
last race
for life
and i know
i've not
done anything
to deceive
thee
these last
days of nine
know i have not
know i have not
i shouted
again,
i shouted
again,
no sin!
i repent
i repent!
i repent
over and over
for what sin
must completely
let go of now
to completely
lose the only
thing left to
keep my heart alive?
and you know
my Father,
we know,
you have been
the only one
in my skin
and loose bones
rattling as i go
alone on this
lonely road
where everyone
steals and robs me
of any kind of
purple robe
and throne
and light for me
to guide me
on my way
and you know
Father i have
not sinned again
and for what
reason for this
last season
of such pain
and i cannot
reason with him
at all this time,
and i fall from
his glory
and i fall
from his sky
and i fall
hard and i know
i must die,
now i am to die
because this one
is too much for me
to bargain with
and i cannot face
this life without
my child not knowing
the real truths
and nothing is ever
fair and never has been
these last nine years
i've lived in this
quiet secret hell
waiting for my time
to come,
and it is never
going to come.
and i sit on my
bed just know,
holding the meds,
minor meds,
just the same
and i think back
to that time,
when all i had
was Father,
my Father
in Heaven
and I will never
forget,
but i did not think
it would go down
this crooked path
of more lies
and destruction
to my child
and i can't
do anything
but sit here
and wait quietly
for another ten-years
of more hell
the same hell
that her father
went through
and cried all
the time
and the last call
he ever made
the night he died,
i drove over
and he was crying,
she made him cry
and she makes me cry now
and she will make
my daughter cry too,
and i will have
to wait quietly
in the dark
for at least
ten years or more
and i'm unsure
if my body will
hold up for another
round, for another
series of fights
oh, my god,
my father,
such sights
of unkindly greed
and lies and deceit
and when i look
back and i said,
"spare the child,
take me instead"
my holy Father,
he did,
but not in the
way i would have
thought and noone
plans these things
that God does
or noone plans
what evil
can intervene
and i am unsure
of which now,
and i only know
that i am hoping
the child is spared
and i believe she is,
and now i know
that God did indeed
take me, instead,
but not in death,
as i would suspect,
only in a different
path...a path of long
endentured servitude
where the suffering
goes on in deep
seclusion and silent
weeping continual
suffering for deeds
of myself of which
i asked forgiveness
and why Father,
must i pay for sins
of others for the
rest of my own
existence,
only because
i,
am not like
others,
and,
i,
will not
fight
the same
gory path
of lies
and greed
and sow
ungodly seeds
as they do
and blame
the misdeeds
on me,
and i have
been robbed
of everything
now,
my words,
my heart,
my life,
my love,
everyone...

And so,
I ask the Father,
then i am done,
my work is done,
for you have
finished what
i have come for,
so now i am free
to go and yet,
he will not take
me and i see now
the road i am on
is the road of hell
and i want off
and i cannot get off
until the Father
comes out of the sky
or until i die
and the others
do not think
i know,
i have a blind eye,
i see everything,
they do,
their words
about me,
i know
what they speak of,
and i am not aware
of why they pick me
to be their horse
to whip every year
when i have long
ago left the barn
they burn their
wicked incense in.

But i let them.
Burn.
Burn.
while i sit back
and watch
every day
every ticking
clock
cloak
they wear
as if they
don't know
they will one
day choke
on their own
bloody hands
they stole
my work of art
my beauty
and such is
the man who
steals is the
man who is blind
to God.

And so i go forth
in deep duty,
and i search
within,
quietly
musing
alone
on this path
that God
has chosen
and i find
i must make
a way to live
and then wipe
the bugs off
my arms and legs
like locusts
in a dirty unfit
grave of dead
go on and leave!
leave! leave me
to have my peace
you unfit people!

I will have none of you!
at my bedside!
at my court yard!
at my biblical readings!
go forth
with your maniacal laughter
and i shall shed
my tears on my own
silent bed
to my God
alone
and you go
on to your
own home
and never
cross my
path again
for God
will strike
forth three
notches in the
nine year inning
of my life
in your year.
Fear the Father,
not mine,
not me,
Fear God.

And then,
i shall have
my peace and wait
to see what will be
my ten-year wait
of long merciful years
of suffering and tears
and deep meditation
and prayer.

And noone shall
stand in front,
beside,
behind me,
in these last
idle years
as i wait
for my truths
to come forth
and then my
answer will await
at the gait,
where only
God's people
wait.
So in life,
So in death.
I know now
what i did
not heed before,
a twist in the
knot of my rope
of courage that
once squeezed
the bloode
from my
heart now,
is wrapped
loose,
like the
noose,
around my
neck,
and i asked
him,
i asked him,
i asked God,
again,
for what sin,
Now?
for what sin
Now?
must i be
dealt with
such complete
whipped in
the face
like a horse
running it's
last race
for life
and i know
i've not
done anything
to deceive
thee
these last
days of nine
know i have not
know i have not
i shouted
again,
i shouted
again,
no sin!
i repent
i repent!
i repent
over and over
for what sin
must completely
let go of now
to completely
lose the only
thing left to
keep my heart alive?
and you know
my Father,
we know,
you have been
the only one
in my skin
and loose bones
rattling as i go
alone on this
lonely road
where everyone
steals and robs me
of any kind of
purple robe
and throne
and light for me
to guide me
on my way
and you know
Father i have
not sinned again
and for what
reason for this
last season
of such pain
and i cannot
reason with him
at all this time,
and i fall from
his glory
and i fall
from his sky
and i fall
hard and i know
i must die,
now i am to die
because this one
is too much for me
to bargain with
and i cannot face
this life without
my child not knowing
the real truths
and nothing is ever
fair and never has been
these last nine years
i've lived in this
quiet secret hell
waiting for my time
to come,
and it is never
going to come.
and i sit on my
bed just know,
holding the meds,
minor meds,
just the same
and i think back
to that time,
when all i had
was Father,
my Father
in Heaven
and I will never
forget,
but i did not think
it would go down
this crooked path
of more lies
and destruction
to my child
and i can't
do anything
but sit here
and wait quietly
for another ten-years
of more hell
the same hell
that her father
went through
and cried all
the time
and the last call
he ever made
the night he died,
i drove over
and he was crying,
she made him cry
and she makes me cry now
and she will make
my daughter cry too,
and i will have
to wait quietly
in the dark
for at least
ten years or more
and i'm unsure
if my body will
hold up for another
round, for another
series of fights
oh, my god,
my father,
such sights
of unkindly greed
and lies and deceit
and when i look
back and i said,
"spare the child,
take me instead"
my holy Father,
he did,
but not in the
way i would have
thought and noone
plans these things
that God does
or noone plans
what evil
can intervene
and i am unsure
of which now,
and i only know
that i am hoping
the child is spared
and i believe she is,
and now i know
that God did indeed
take me, instead,
but not in death,
as i would suspect,
only in a different
path...a path of long
endentured servitude
where the suffering
goes on in deep
seclusion and silent
weeping continual
suffering for deeds
of myself of which
i asked forgiveness
and why Father,
must i pay for sins
of others for the
rest of my own
existence,
only because
i,
am not like
others,
and,
i,
will not
fight
the same
gory path
of lies
and greed
and sow
ungodly seeds
as they do
and blame
the misdeeds
on me,
and i have
been robbed
of everything
now,
my words,
my heart,
my life,
my love,
everyone...

And so,
I ask the Father,
then i am done,
my work is done,
for you have
finished what
i have come for,
so now i am free
to go and yet,
he will not take
me and i see now
the road i am on
is the road of hell
and i want off
and i cannot get off
until the Father
comes out of the sky
or until i die
and the others
do not think
i know,
i have a blind eye,
i see everything,
they do,
their words
about me,
i know
what they speak of,
and i am not aware
of why they pick me
to be their horse
to whip every year
when i have long
ago left the barn
they burn their
wicked incense in.

But i let them.
Burn.
Burn.
while i sit back
and watch
every day
every ticking
clock
cloak
they wear
as if they
don't know
they will one
day choke
on their own
bloody hands
they stole
my work of art
my beauty
and such is
the man who
steals is the
man who is blind
to God.

And so i go forth
in deep duty,
and i search
within,
quietly
musing
alone
on this path
that God
has chosen
and i find
i must make
a way to live
and then wipe
the bugs off
my arms and legs
like locusts
in a dirty unfit
grave of dead
go on and leave!
leave! leave me
to have my peace
you unfit people!

I will have none of you!
at my bedside!
at my court yard!
at my biblical readings!
go forth
with your maniacal laughter
and i shall shed
my tears on my own
silent bed
to my God
alone
and you go
on to your
own home
and never
cross my
path again
for God
will strike
forth three
notches in the
nine year inning
of my life
in your year.
Fear the Father,
not mine,
not me,
Fear God.

And then,
i shall have
my peace and wait
to see what will be
my ten-year wait
of long merciful years
of suffering and tears
and deep meditation
and prayer.

And noone shall
stand in front,
beside,
behind me,
in these last
idle years
as i wait
for my truths
to come forth
and then my
answer will await
at the gait,
where only
God's people
wait.
So in life,
So in death.